I haven't updated my spending journal since Thursday, I think. I was so gung-ho on this when I started and now I'm kind of...eh. That's partly because I really don't like what the spending journal is revealing about my own personal habits. Which is that I am weird about food.

I will often buy food I don't need, even though there is plenty of food in the house because I am stressing over something. I'm not talking junk food or dumb purchases, either. Just...quantity. Like I'm afraid there won't be enough in the house or something.

This is particularly difficult now as we are no longer using the full size upright freezer. I am confined to a half size cubic chest freezer and the freezer that comes with our fridge, which is quite large for its size. I think it may be bigger on the inside than the outside, very tardis-like.

Well, I've managed to curtail the freezer spending, but seem to be trying to make up for it with pantry items. What is up with that? I did not grow up poor. Even the year my dad was on strike from the mill (he went to work pumping gas and my mom, a retired teacher, substitute taught nearly every day that year), we always had adequate food. We were never deprived. So where is this coming from?

Oh, I have issues with food. I'm a recovered bulimic, 11.5 years free of the disease, which conincides with my getting married and moving out of my parent's house. But its never been over not having enough. It was always over being in control of my life, or not being in control of it. I'm starting to wonder if my need to have such great quantities of food in the house is my way of dealing with how out of control I feel the debt situation is and the whole life on hold will he/won't he get a raise issue with DH.

And as issues go, well, I'd rather be buying too much food than ever go back down the road to an eating disorder. But when we are trying to cut back on our grocery budget and save some money here, it is very counter-productive to be coming up on this sort of thing.

I'm hoping putting it out here in black and white, may help me to recognize what I am doing and find a less destructive thing to do.

My last straw with myself was tonight when I emptied my change jar and went down to the convenience store and got a 16 inch pepperoni pizza for $6.49 when I could have very easily made something healthy at home, or even a homemade pizza of better quality for less money with what I had in the house. It went over from healthy food buying to junky food buying. Uh-uh.

This has to stop. No more money is to be spent on food between now and January 26th, unless it is for milk or for the kids for making cold lunches at school. No more mindless buying. I must be mindful in my buying.