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The More They Stay the Same

November 16th, 2012 at 12:52 am

I think someone looked down on me and said, "Well, she's done with those hurdles, let's throw some even bigger ones at her and see how she does."

So FIL may also have something wrong with his kidney. At least something showed up on his MRI. We knew this could happen, they told him so after his last surgery, but all seemed to be going well. So on top of more heart surgery, he may end up losing a kidney. So he's going to the doctor again for his heart tomorrow and a different doctor on Monday for his kidney.

If that weren't enough, my mother got back her MRI results as she's been having severe headaches. (Is there anyone not getting an MRI lately? It seems the thing to do.) She has had two mini-strokes since the last MRI six months ago. And she doesn't tell me this. I was teasing her about forgetting to put soap in the dishwasher (she teases me for similar things) and she says, "Well, maybe it's because I had two mini-strokes." I mean, come on, that is not the way you tell someone you've had a stroke, mini or not.

They were relatively minor, but I had noticed one side of her face was a little slacker than the other, but she still had control of it. And I have noticed her being slower on the uptake. I suppose I watch for these things because her mother had Alzheimers and my father did, so I've seen it up close and personal. It didn't seem like Alzheimers in her, just...something not quite right.

So I don't really know what that means for her health. She doesn't seem worried about it. She's 73, but I always figured she'd outlive me out of sheer stubborness. Now maybe it's going to happen sooner than I thought. At least I have her living will, her regular will, her pre-paid funeral stuff, and medical power of attorney.

We are prepared (well, maybe not mentally) and have been for a couple of years, but I still don't want to even think about it. In a couple of days I'm going to sit down with her and go through everything again. We haven't looked at it together since Dad died and she made a couple changes to reflect that.

At least WA state law does not require filial support to pay for long term care. 29 states legally can make you pay for your parents' care (though many don't enforce these laws). I can't even fathom what that would do to DH and I if we had to pay for long-term nursing home care for either of his parents or my mother. We've spent so much time paying off our own catastrophic medical debt. To have to start all over again would be so destructive to our lives.

I don't even know what any of this means to our future plans. We've been talking about buying a smaller house, but now I'm wondering about whether or not we will have to take in MIL or my mother at some point and if we did that, we'd need the space. I know from us living with my mother that lots of space is a very good thing. I am pretty sure either way it would fall on us. DH's sister couldn't afford it and I don't think my middle sister would allow the world to stop revolving around her long enough to take care of someone else. My eldest sister, much less the ice queen since she became a grandmother, might move in with my mom so long as Mom was still able, but I don't think she'd care for her if her mind started to go.

Can I be an ostrich just for a day or two? Because I'd really like to stick my head in the sand now.

Posted in Off on a Tangent, Medical Issues and Spending, When Life Happens | 11 Comments »

11 Responses to “The More They Stay the Same”

  1. Thrifty Ray Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 02:39 am 1353033581
    1353033581

    Im sorry you are going though so much. I understand all to well the stress of aging parents. Sometimes it is easier to just take one bite at a time. Make a list and do what you can, delegate what you can, and determine the best way for you and your family to get every thing else done. (hint - you cant do it all yourself.) Hugs.

  2. snafu Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 03:25 am 1353036332
    1353036332

    I'm so sorry you're getting such difficult news about aging parents. All you can do is take deep breaths and baby step through the issues hour by hour and one day at a time. When you have more facts I hope you'll make it quite clear to siblings that their help is needed. Meanwhile we're all here so feel free to vent to let go of some stress.

    What's your plan for Thanksgiving?

  3. creditcardfree Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 03:35 am 1353036908
    1353036908

    ((Hugs)) That is a lot to take in and take on. I'll third what the others have said. A little a time....which with us planners is a tough task. You can make it work.

  4. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 03:42 am 1353037343
    1353037343

    I'm so sorry to hear all that is going on health wise with your family. {{hugs}}

    I never heard that about the children being required to pay for their parent's long term care. That seems really, really bizarre.

  5. PNW mom Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 04:58 am 1353041920
    1353041920

    I too echo the others....so sorry to hear about all of this....it is so hard...DH's mom and my parents are aging too....unchartered territory for alot of us.

    I also have never heard of children being required to pay for parent's long term care.....bizarre indeed.....sending a big hug.

  6. LuckyRobin Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 07:27 am 1353050832
    1353050832

    This is where I read about the filial support that some states have on their books:

    www.bankrate.com/finance/insurance/parental-support-nursing-home-bills-1.aspx

    I had never heard of it before.

  7. Campfrugal Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 12:18 pm 1353068300
    1353068300

    Both my parents passed and my MIL within a short time period of each other, all different, but somehow we all got through it. Not to say it won't be hard, it will, but it is one day at a time.

    My mom finished her last three weeks out in hospice in a nursing home, and I want to say it was roughly around $5,500 for those three weeks. It is not cheap. We had to sell most of her estate to pay that off, but we managed to get it done.

    Hugs to you and hopefully you find a solution.

  8. snafu Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 05:28 pm 1353086932
    1353086932

    {{{Hugs}}} While your mom has her affairs in order, it seems important to have DH's siblings verify that their parents likewise have a Care Directive/Living Will, Will, Medical PA, funeral plans in place. My dad passed away unexpectedly and while we presumed he had a Will none of us knew where to find it. The bank immediately 'froze' his accounts and several weeks passed before we could access that money. Meanwhile cheques he had issued had not cleared and bills were due. We were all upset and none of us thought about practical matters. Funeral expenses must be paid immediately and those wiped us out. It was a stomach churning mess which took time and cost all sorts of penalties/fees.

  9. snafu Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 05:41 pm 1353087666
    1353087666

    Many of us now have an ICE , Insurance, list of significant assets like condo, car, RV, jewelry, mortgage we hold on relative's condo, list of documents in the safe.

    [I take international contracts and am often out of country were things can go awry]

  10. snafu Says:
    November 16th, 2012 at 05:43 pm 1353087832
    1353087832

    so sorry, MacBook problems. ICE In Case of Emergency listing of contact details and Assets

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